Its 2030 and our long national nightmare is behind us.

Tiffany and Ivanka reunite after the latter’s messy divorce to Jared after his conviction that landed him, coincidentally, in the same cell occupied by his father, who’s now out on bail and working as a groundskeeper at a golf club in Bedminster, NJ. The sisters appear with Jimmy Fallon on the taping of his last show before retirement, reminiscing about how they completely ignored each other their entire lives until just last year when Tiffany was in line at a local Pinkberry and saw Ivanka changing the pour spout of the Blood Orange and Blueberry dispenser. After an awkward silence caused by Ivanka’s inability to make change at the register, they both burst into tears of regret and relief, hugged each other over the counter and accidentally broke the serving spoon container that stood between them. There’s rumor of an album and a clothes line in the works. Not clothing line, clothes line. Some are worried.
Barron left public life when he turned 21 and is reportedly on some kind of mission on a boat in the south of France. It is widely believed he’s had plastic surgery and changed his name, but no one really cared enough to find out.
After her line of FloodMe Pumps failed on Amazon, Melania returned to Eastern Europe and was appointed to the cabinet of the Prime Minister of Moldova, where she oversees relief work for victims of cyber-bullying, Stockholm Syndrome and bad lighting. She’s spotted every Thursday evening at the shore of a Black Sea resort, throwing what appears to be a bottle with a note in it into the water in the direction of the south of France.
Don Jr. launched a successful podcast from his private dacha in St. Petersburgh called “First Born: Second Rate” which is produced by the oldest son of his chief sponsor and adopted father, Vladimir Putin. He still has trouble pronouncing “security threat” in Russian but has developed a prickly sense of humor when it comes to idea of term limits at the Politboro.
Eric continues to pursue life as a touring country singer under the stage name of “Gummy” Phillips. He released a self-published travel book, “Change for a Dollar: A Critical Look at Motel 6” with proceeds going to an unnamed charity in the south of France.
Steve Bannon’s body was never found after it was reportedly trampled to death by a marauding pack of elk in N. Dakota’s Black Hills. Bannon was lured there on a phony recruitment trip, thinking it was the last bastion of white holdouts in the west, when he encountered a unity meeting of every single minority living in the US, including gays, women, POC, Native Americans, accountants who know what an adding machine is, Y2K programmers, the key grips from the original “Airplane” movies, Amazon greeters and women who purchased Ivanka’s and Tiffany’s clothes lines. A plaque is in the works.
The whereabouts of the former 45th President are still a mystery. There have been sightings from Paraguay and Uruguay to Vladivostok, but all have been unconfirmed. Except the south of France. He’s not there, believe me.